storing sunny and cloudy memories

My my myyyyy.. happy fifteenth anniversary to me and my beloved first marriage, my work. Never that I imagined that my marriage with my work will last this long. I had a target of just ten years, or maybe less. I guess time flies when you’re having fun 🙊

 Happy New Year 2022! I'm starting this random thoughts thrashing or more of like mental diarrheas that I have missed since I gave birth.  Supposed to be documenting milestone of Isa but motherhood is harder than I imagine. He's almost 5 now. I have had the time to reflect and document my experience, horror thoughts, nightmare and of course the lovely ones too. Not all is bad 😂  Typically, or shall I say, wishfully we will be spending our New Year somewhere not in Malaysia. Since COVID happened, we have been pretty comfortable just staying home. This is my view for today, appreciating the skyline and obviously the place I work there tinny twinny towers while Isa is swimming. Looks like it's gonna rain soon but then again, it's just water. (My dad used to say that to us if we ran frantically when the rain pours). Let's hope the year 2022 be a prosperous one for all of us. I'm still catching up with last year's resolution so adios to that. 

after 1 week or probably 10 days in-denial coupled with my stubborn attitude that refuses to stop smoking, i  had told my colleague that i felt different and that i might be pregnant. of course, he (my colleague) was jumping joy as if he's the one carrying for the next 9 months was utterly excited. i couldn't be bothered at that time because drowning with work, reports, stress, i was already late for dinner with the 'sex and city girls' (that is another topic, who are the sex and the city girls). so we rushed for dinner and on the way out there was a pharmacy and he told me to quickly grab the pregnancy test and off we go. funny enough, i took the cheapest non-branded test just because after the miscarriage and months trying, i wouldn't want to buy the most expensive test and be disappointed. went for dinner with the girls, and half-way through our dinner i told them that my period is 10 days late and i might be pregnant. sex and the city girls being sex and the cit...

Alright, what happened after April 2016? Today as I am writing this entry, it is officially 21st December 2017. I have decided to start again (blogging) not because it is currently a trend for mothers to blog or anything like that. It is purely because I hope or want my son to be able to read when he grows older. Or for me, personally to reminisce about my son when I am older. So, what happened after April 2016? I was announced by my Gynae that I was pregnant, 6 weeks or so. So her medication and what she had asked us to do, worked! We were over the moon excited. Beyond word excited! We didn't tell a lot of people only close family and friends. We had our first check-up and we heard the heart beat. It was loud and it was the first time of me listening to a heart beat of a tiny dot inside my womb. Again, went back home all excited and filled with joy. At about the 2nd check-up, I think week 10 during the ultrasound, there was no heart beat. The doctor scanned everywhere but ju...

today was the results appointment and discussion with the doctor. so as usual, we rushed to get the first appointment as the number starts as early as 730am. there i was, 715am aiming for number 0001. and yes! i got it! wooohooo. must be my lucky day. doctor arrived, nurse called us in and the doctor said, everything is perfectly fine with both of you. no blockage within the tube, sperm count is healthy and let's check on eggs. so i went to the ultrasound machine room, she checked the eggs and again it was perfectly fine.  i was puzzled is there is nothing wrong, why am i still not pregnant? kept asking myself. so i guess it must be the retroverted uterus. can't stop myself my blurting it out, i asked the doctor 'so is it because of the retroverted uterus?' and she said, no that happens to most of the patient i see and they can still conceive. again, puzzled! she obviously is able to read my puzzled, whathef*&k face. that's when she said she will give m...

a hysterosalpingogram, or better known as HSG is a twisted painful procedure i must say! no matter what others tell you, it was uncomfortable and mostly painful. it was mainly because of the speculum! what actually happens was, the radiologist injected some of kind of a dye inside your vajajay. you will be able to see in the monitor which in this case, was on my left side. you will see the dye flow through your uterus and thereafter your Fallopian tube. this test will indicate if there is a blockage in your tube that leads to difficulties to conceive. once the radiologist injected the dye in your vajajay, another x-ray machine (something similar) will be pressed on top of your tummy. this act as an x-ray film that will able for a photo of your tube to be captured. in my case, the radiologist said it was perfectly fine and track was smooth as the runway. the only thing they found from the test is my uterus is severely retroverted which means its some sort of hidden at the back (...

3 years married and we finally decided to have a check on why nothing is baking in this oven if me ;)  i made an appointment with of course the best doctor in Subang, Dr. Siti from SJMC.  she asked us a lot of questions that i don't even know how to answer. weird difficult question, i must say. then she checked me, which is much more weird than i thought. it doesn't hurt as much as i thought it was just uncomfortable.  she decided that i should first check my Fallopian tube, just in case it is blocked. oh, of course sperm test! so we made appointment for a Fallopian tube check which is HSG (i don't remember the full name). so, HSG test coming tomorrow! till then. 

To Myself, Happy 40th Birthday! I wish you nothing but happiness and may Allah SWT bless you with good health, wealth. I hope all you dreams come true. I am sure you are grateful to have become the person you are today. On this day, I hope you have looked back 9 years back and be wondering where you will be or most importantly what you have accomplished reaching the big forty!  Since you were little, probably age 5 or 6, you are a strong believer that dreams do come true if you work hard towards it. So, on this day I hope all your dreams have come true.  I hope that you have attended the most profound business school Harvard, MIT or Insead to name a few. You have studied in the United States just like your parents did before. Not only that, you have also made a mark in one of your classes as one of the best, like you always did in school.  By now at the age of 40, you are probably the business head for the company you are currently working with, in which you finally got y...

Just would like to capture my day for my own reference on how my normal day went.. 5:45 a.m. - Alarm went on, snooze button of course! 6:15 a.m. - Woke up panic and dashed to the toilet, brushed my teeth, washed my face and changed. 6:34 a.m. - Start my car engine and head to the gym. 7:31 a.m. - Arrived parking lot and made my way to the gym. 7:45 a.m. - Signed in gym and changed in the changing room. 7:52 a.m. - Signed in sky bar pool and swam 10 laps. 8:15 a.m. - Made my way back to the changing room and shower. 9:05 a.m. - Walked back to the office, bought my low fat flat white and had my morning ciggie while enjoying my coffee. 9:30 a.m. - On laptop and start to check emails and prioritise what to do in the morning, sort out my daily and weekly meeting. 10:00 a.m. - Start working on programme for delegates from Australia. 11:30 a.m. - Meeting on posters and designs for office. 12:20 p.m. - Find out who's available for lunch. 1:10 p.m. - Head out for lunch with my ...

Last 2 weeks, I had a great opportunity to attend a course on Business Evaluation. It's partly because of my current role that I need to assess business whether or not we should invest in it, profitable or not, etc. It all comes down to "Strategic Intent". It's what you want from it. When only I thought it's difficult and complicated, it's actually not at all. Company A produces 500 barrels and sells it for $5 million, company B produces 800 barrels and sells it for $20 million. Your strategic intent - grow more volume. Not that complicated, choose company B. Everything comes down to your intention, strategic intent. Choosing between black shoe or blue shoe, your intention? Comfort or style. Bottom line, set your strategic intention and go for it!

with the current situation, I think I have made the right decision giving all options that I have exhausted. it may not be the easiest thing for me to do, but surely it is the right thing to do. I had a day to myself to think yesterday. Self-reflect of that happened 16 years ago, I think I have recovered from whatever chaos that I had in my life. Having the memories with me reminded how painful it was when everyone turned against you and you are left with nothing but guilt.  I have told myself that I will never ever be in the same situation ever again.  I am proud to tell myself that this time, I put aside my principles and character and do the right thing.

there are some things in life that we get to choose, and some things are just beyond our control. evidently, death is something we don't get to choose. only He knows when and how. It is He (Allah) Who gives life, and causes death, and to Him you (all) shall return. سورة يونس , Yunus, Chapter #10, Verse #56

if i had a daughter, this is what i would tell her about love and the type of man she should marry.. love will not guarantee your marriage will last find a man who will make you happy for the rest of your life. happiness! you can have a man who loves you unconditionally before you get married, but once you tie the knot, love will not sustain your marriage. love is a concept. love can fade away. in-love experience is temporary. it's a feeling you develop after a certain period of time but happiness would sustain your marriage as you need to be happy with the person you're marrying. more importantly, if you are happy so will your marriage. find a husband who prays 5 times a day according to islam, husband is the head of the family. as the head of the family, the foundation needs to be strong. as long as the foundation is strong, the marriage will stay strong too. who doesn't drink alcohol a friend once told me, alcohol is the mother of all evil. a guy who is an alcoh...

happy new year! this year, i plan to write more than i did last year ;) i hope everyone had a fun and exciting new year's eve celebration with their loved ones. i certainly did had fun with my dad. just the two of us! there are so many things i would like to write about but i really need to do it in a structured way because i don't want sensitive topics to be raised, or anyone's feeling gets hurt. til we meet again!

in about 4 hours, i bid farewell to 2013. it has been quite a crazy love journey which i cant sum up in words. a lot has happened and i mean it, A LOT! traveled to Brazil, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand and not forgetting Perhentian Island. it was amazing! i will travel more next year, hopefully. had the best and most amazing year in terms of my career, and i must emphasise that i have never felt this way about my work or my career before. this year, i have really proven myself that anything is possible if you put your mind to it. when it comes to career, i would say that i am hard on myself. i would always push myself to be better and sometimes or most of the time, i would put ridiculous target and strive for it. yes, i am kiasu like that. i would love to think that i am a hardworking person and i work really hard to be where i am now. i don't do it for position, power or money. those things will come together when it's your time but with me, it's the target ...

732 days ago, 16th September 2011 was my last post. so, many things had happened which at times i regret i didn't write it down. no point having regrets in life now huh? need to move on.. few things happened: 1. got engaged 1st January 2012 2. beloved mom got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 20th May 2012 3. traveled to Germany July 2012 (best trip in my career life!) 4. attended my friend's wedding in Bangladesh somewhere November 2012 5. got married 20th December 2012 6. one and only mother i had for 28 years passed away 6th May 2013 if you're wondering how i am with all the turbulence in my life, the answer is i am ok. moving on with life even though at times i don't think i can. growing up even since i was small, i always tell myself that i am going to die first before my parents. almost everyday i will tell myself that, mainly because i don't know how to live without my mom. but i guess God has other better plan for me. so, yeah i survived. o...

selamat hari Malaysia! i have decided to blog again. weeehhheee! not because i have items to promote or i am an insurance agent now that i want  to get more clients. reason being is because two years have passed since i last blog and so many things had happened that im starting to not remember those significant moments in my life. so many things had happened and i wish i had kept it on video or write it somewhere so i can look back ten years down the road and laugh or cry at it. anyhow, welcome back to me! ;)

Have you ever felt like you don’t belong in your own country? I have… Born and raised in Malaysia, my own home country has turned out to be a foreign country where nothing seems to be the way it used to be, at least to me. I used to feel like shouting ‘I’m home’ whenever I step my feet at the airport after a long vacation outside Malaysia. Nowadays, it felt like I’m coming back to a place where I don’t belong. I enrolled my degree in a local university that welcome students from abroad to enjoy education from this country. Instead, these foreign students come to this country and make it like their own, speeding around campus in their luxury cars, hosting late night parties at the apartment block where I stayed and skipping classes like their parents own the university. Although the university clearly states that a student can only sit for the final exam provided they attend 80% of the classes, foreign students get away with their attendance but local students are not allowed to sit for...

wondermilk's cuppacakes show 2011. it was fun although it was tiring. thank you very much wondermilk for having us. hope to be part of it next year :)

sometimes i wonder how do i get here? how the hell did i end up being this person. dont get me wrong because i love myself, my family and friends who i cant live without. my love hate relationship with my work will never end. even if i quit my job, i dont think ill be satisfied. but as long as i need to pay my mortgage, car, food, vacation and shopping, quiting my job seems impossible. im grateful and thankful for what i have. my life up til today has been a crazy giant drop ride. i wouldnt say i enjoy every bit of it, there are days i feel like killing myself. somehow i manage to get through it. they say.. "God never gives you something that you can't handle, and never takes back anything without which you can't live"