hello goodbye

i have to start by saying bravo to all mothers out there!
being a mother is not an easy job.
it's mentally challenging and physically exhausting.
for those of you who signed up to become a mother, congratulations!

the company i worked for, held this program called program sentuhan kasih.
each employee gets to adopt a child from selected orphanage homes.
couple weeks back, me and my friends were excited to choose one.
when i saw this girl, i knew that i should get her right away.
so i put down my name, email address and extension number.
took her photo and went back to work.

weeks past, and the day finally arrived.
the day i get to spend time with my adopted daughter.
from the picture they gave, she didn't look that small
but when i see her standing in front of me, gosh! she's so tiny!
she was introduced to me by a committee member of the program.
she wasn't shy at all, she was friendly.
she took my hand and walked with me as if she already knew me.
i was the one who was nervous at first.
i didn't know what to do, what to ask her, where to go.
it got freaked out when she wanted to go to toilet.
she's five years old! she's not able to go toilet by herself.
toilet was the first thing she told me she wanted to go.
thank god, i managed.

our first stop would be the petrosains.
ooookkkkkaaayyy!
i was lost in there.
know absolutely nothing about oil and gas.
wasn't interested in molecules.
can't be bothered about oil rigs.
saw other adopted parents in there, their kids were continuously asking about oil and gas, oil rigs, molecules, formula 1, bla bla bla.
at that point of time, i was glad i took a five years old, girl!
(i assumed she's not interested or probably can't remember anything about oil and gas next year)
half way towards the petrosains, she said "nak baju raya"
i was so happy! she wanted to shop, not tour petrosains.
looked at her and said "jom! sekarang"
she nodded while i wanted to do cartwheel in front of everyone, but i didn't.
we took the shortcut way out and said goodbye to petrosains.

we said hello to parkson and isetan!
shopped her school bag, stationery, shoes, and socks.
it wasn't easy but it was better than the petrosains by a million times.
got to know more about her while shopping.
which is good! at least i knew where she came from.
if i had all the money in the world, i would say yes to everything that she wanted.
but since i was on a tight budget, had to ask her to choose.
felt guilty everytime i asked her to choose.
most of the time, i just don't think about it and pay.
to me, she gets to buy things once a year while i get to buy things once a month.
the saddest part of all is when i asked her what else does she needs?
she answered crayon and mechanical pencil.
i stood there surprised.
ill buy mechanical pencil or a pen almost everytime i passed by stationery section.
when i was five, i changed crayons and colour pencil every month.
this little girl, had to wait for this program, which only happens once a year to ask for a bloody crayon and mechanical pencil.
i wanted to buy her a whole box of mechanical pencil and crayons.
i didn't, i let her choose whatever crayons or mechanical pencil she wants.

after we were done with shopping, we had to go to the hall for iftar.
that was when everything turned haywire.
my colleague, who had a five years old adopted daughter could not join for iftar.
so i volunteered to take care of her child, along with mine.
since they came from the same orphanage home, they knew each other.
which i thought was easier for me.
damn son, i was wrong!
during break fast, i had two kids to handle.
both girls, five years old.
prepare them for break fast, took for them food, let them eat, topped up food for them, fed them, gave them drinks, cleaned them up.
at that point, i don't remember what day or year i was on. felt like forever!
after i managed that, then only i could eat.
then they had games and shows for the kids, i got some rest because they were busy with the clown and barney.
after the show, the two kids were already hyper, excited, and energetic.
they were running around the hall.
they fought over crayons, pencils and stuffs that they bought.
had to manage that, used some psychology tactics and it worked.
fed them ice kacang.
less than a minute, they spilt sirap drink on me.
i was drenched in pink red coloured drink, table was soaking wet while they enjoy their ice kacang.
again, i had to just clean myself up and pretend as if nothing happened.

the next thing i knew, they had announce that adopted parents are to send their adopted child to the bus along with the shopping bags.
that was the hardest part, sending them off.
although that night seem like a hurricane, they made my day worth living.
something i look forward to besides myself.
sending them off to the bus means i don't have any responsibility or accountability to them.
although it sounds good, i didn't feel good.
i like taking care of them.
i get to concentrate on what they want, rather than fulfilling myself with more clothes and spending money on unnecessary things.
to a certain extend, i think yes.
am i ready now? no.
will i ever be ready? i don't think so.
this was a test for me. to see if i can cope.
hahahahhaha!
as much as i want to bring them back to my house, i have to send them back to the bus.
where they'll go back and be happy with their new clothes and things they bought.
while i went back to my normal routine life, filled with memories of them.
that's reality.

i didn't want to say goodbye.
i have come to hate the word goodbye.
there are so many incidents in my life that i have to say goodbye.
can't we just say 'see you around? see you later?'
goodbye, i hate you!

it takes a couple seconds to say hello, but forever to say goodbye.