do you know? i didn't.

warning: events below are fiction
(they are not factual, but rather, imaginary and invented by its author)
if you can't handle it, x your window or apple q your macbook.

i didn't know as i age, everything in life gets tougher.
work especially, relationship, family and understanding myself gets even confusing.
it gets more complicated, difficult and painful as you age.
not only i'll get more wrinkles..my boobs will sag eventually.
not only i have to fight the gravity for my skin, i constantly need to fight gravity of my heart.
unlike skin, there are plenty of cream for anti-aging skin, anti-wrinkle serum over-the-counter
i only wish there is anti-wrinkle cream for the heart.
they have gaviscon for heartburn, they don't have gaviscon for heartache. pfftt!

have you ever felt pain that words can't even describe?
you don't even know it hurts because you can't feel anymore.
it's so painful it sticks in you, follows you like a shadow.
you know the difference between paper cut and accident pain.
ouch! (thinking about paper cut).
Alhamdulillah i've not been in an accident before, so i don't know the pain.
i've been into 2 different surgeries, it's hell painful.
fall from a bicycle, yes painful.
being kicked by your own brother, damn you brother! sakit laaaa!
yes, all the above is damn painful and i pray i would never have to go through it, ever again.
but...all the pain slowly fades away after sometime.
paper cut? the pain lasted a day. pfftt!
all you remember is the bad experience you had with that pain.
but it doesn't bother your daily life, it will go away!

unlike this familiar painful feeling that most of us will experience once, it sticks like a Siamese twin.
if this pain was a person or a thing, it would be in black color.
it would be very dark with rough surface.
it doesn't have any opening or holes.
it is hard like a concrete.
the edges are sharp like torns but only bigger.
it is very heavy you can't seem to move it.
it is very big too.
it spreads out a small virus that eats up your other organs like a tumor.
this thing, it grows inside your body.
and because the thing lives inside of you, the pain you're feeling can't be described.
you just feel it because you know its there.
wake up in the morning, you know its there.
it makes you wanna curl inside your blanket and not move a muscle.
hot tears came like a shower without you turning the tap on.
there seems to be excessive supply of water that can filled up entire nation.
to whichever country that doesn't have enough water, feel free to drop me an email.
ill be glad to supply.
it's so painful that you just don't want to do anything except to lie on your bed, helpless.
even painkiller can't kill the pain.
do they sell medication over-the-counter for this type of pain?
they don't. they should! i would be their regular customer.
what to do?

i wake up every morning, shower, put on the first top i could reach with my black pants.
take my handbag and drive to work.
turn on my laptop at work, coffee with my morning cigarettes, while reading the newspaper.
along the way, i smile to people if i could pull my smile muscle.
i smile to others, even if it lasted for 5 seconds.
while the smile only lasted for seconds, my inside wrinkled every single second.
when the light turns off, packed my laptop, grab my handbag and drive back home.
watch tv or go for yoga classes after dinner.
and when my head is not too messy to think of nonsense, ill fall asleep.
if my head is doing its usual thinking, over analysing stuffs, my tired weak body will lie on the bed and stare on the ceiling til my eyes shut by itself.
tadaaaaaa...

have you ever felt this way?
if what i just said ever happens to you, just remember...
pray to Allah SWT to ease the pain day by day, insyaAllah one day your prayers will be answered.